Family Cultures: Are they dynamic?

When you look at a family, you can usually tell that there are certain roles that people play. Perhaps the sister is the peacemaker of the family or maybe the brother is a trouble maker. Dad could by the authority. Or maybe mom is the authority. Every family is unique and develops their own culture to fit whatever circumstances that they may be in. Different countries and religions promote different family cultures. All of this works together to create their roles. But can a family culture change? Let's take a look at a scenario:

Let me introduce you to the Smith family. Dad goes to work. Mom stays home with the kids. Brother helps dad with the cars and the lawn. Sister helps mom with the cooking and cleaning. This most certainly is a stereotype, but let's look at it as a potential example.

Mr.Smith was always very stern. He worked during the day at a firm, but made time to see his family in the evening. When his kids Jill and Jack wanted something, they always went to their mom. She was much more easygoing and likely to give them what they wanted. When they get in trouble, the consequences were a lot less straining when they came from Mrs.Smith. Mrs.Smith was a stay at home mom. Though she had gotten her cosmetology license when she was a young adult, she hadn't used it in years. She was simply to preoccupied with the kids. Jill was 12 years old and just starting to enter an age of new opportunities. She was starting middle school off with her head held high. She took many honors classes and maintained a high GPA. Jack was 15 and pretty confident in high school. He was on the lacrosse team as well as water polo. He had a lot of friends and hung out with them frequently.

This all seems a little too normal to be true, but what happens when something unexpected is thrown into the mix? They all have their current roles, but if one roles changes or even disappears, how do the others make up for it?

Shortly after Jill turned 13, Mr.Smith was killed in a car accident. The family was devastated and spent the next several weeks in mourning. As weeks turned to months, however, a change began to come over the family. Mr.Smith was no longer there to provide their income. They had enough savings to last for a while, but certainly not forever. Mrs.Smith was forced to enter into the workforce. She used her cosmetology license and got work at a local salon. However, the income was nowhere near the same and the family was forced to sell their house and move somewhere more affordable. They moved to a different school district partway through the school year. Jill took lower level classes, unable to match up with the other students that had been there year round. She struggled to make friends and found herself often sitting alone. She was no longer the little helper for her mom because she always felt too down to help out. Jack no longer had time to do sports after school. Instead, he got a job at a fast food restaurant so he could help keep the family afloat. Mom quickly became the new authority and that never changed even after she remarried 6 years later.

In this situation, one role removal was enough to shake up the entire family unit. Had we taken out the mom or the brother or the sister, everything would have changed in a completely different way. Families react to situations and make adjustments to fill in needed roles. On the positive side of this, that means that cultures can change. It is difficult, but it's possible. Let's use my family as an example to showcase this idea of family culture.

I am the youngest of four children. My family grew up very tightly knit. We would often forego spending time with friends and peers so we could spend more time together. My second oldest sister was very friendly and inclusive. She was fantastic at drawing everyone in our family together and making sure everyone was involved. However, when I was thirteen, she left to be a missionary for 18 months. With her gone, the who culture changed. My two remaining siblings put up some walls and alone, I became unhappy. The roles needed to change or our needs would not be met. I ended up becoming a very social, energetic person to fill in that gap. I felt lonely at home, so I would go and spend as much time with friends as possible. When my sister returned, our family had already shifted and the closeness we had wasn't the same. She became busy, moved out, and got married and the culture stayed where it was.

So, yes. Family cultures can change. They shift when people leave the unit, but there are many ways to influence culture without trauma or taking out a role. We can change the way that we treat our family members and that in itself will alter things. If you adjust your role, others may begin to adjust to fit it.