Preparing to Sit On the Couch With Our Spouse

Picture this:

The scene is set! Liz comes through the door, excited beyond anything to see her husband. He promised they would do something together tonight. It had been months since they had gotten married and life hadn't felt quite as exciting as she had pictured it would be before she had dawned the wedding dress.

Liz sees Jacob sitting on the couch. Her excitement stretches, considering what he might have planned. He turns and notices her. He smiles. She notices that he is holding something in his hands... Is it flowers? Chocolate? Tickets to a game?

It's... a remote.

"I thought we were going to do something tonight?" Liz starts, uncertain.

"We are," Jacob assures, "We used to watch Netflix all the time when we were dating. Were you expecting something else?"

Now, this is the question. Why was she expecting something else? I want to touch a little bit more on the role of dating and how it prepares us for marriage as well as some of the consequences for disregarding marriage preparation.

First, let's analyze what steps we should take. In order to reach a successful marriage, one must first date, then court, followed by an engagement, which then leads to the marriage.

Dating in itself is crucial. When dating, this includes planned, paid for, and paired up dates. This means that the dates itself is structured with a specific plan. The resources are taken care of and provided. The couple goes together understanding that they are responsible for each other. This act helps prepare people for the roles in marriage. Simply "hanging out" does not practice any realistic skill sets that will be used in marriage.

Next, it is important to incorporate a proper courtship. This does not mean you spend every second with the other person though. Healthy marriages are not typically founded on hanging out or cohabitation. In fact, in "Family and Marriage: The Quest for Intimacy", Jeanette Lauer describes how these behaviors are more likely to result in separation or divorce. A proper courtship includes going on dates as described above, doing a variety of different activities, and getting to know one another.

John Van Epp, with a PhD in Counseling/Psychology, is the author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. He describes that in order to effectively create a healthy relationship with someone, we must follow the RAM or the Relationship Attachment Model:

This model shows different areas in which we can create that relationship. As you can see, each scale is higher in the area in front of the next. This is what creates the ideal relationship. As we get to know someone, trust them, rely on them, commit to them, and have physical relations, we begin to build a sturdy relationship that lasts into marriage. That being said, you should always know someone more than you trust them and never trust someone more than you rely on them and so forth.

The last important part of preparation before marriage includes the engagement. This part is so important because this is when you take time to prepare for your lives together. It is a trial of your marriage.

When these crucial steps are not followed, it damages the marital relationship. Continuing with the scenario at the beginning, Liz is disappointed in how marital life actually is compared to dating. When she and Jacob were going out, they would just go to one of their apartments and watch shows together. They spent hours upon hours together, but usually just sitting next to each other. Sometimes they'd do homework or make food for each other, but for the most part, they didn't get out and experience much outside of their apartments. After getting married, Liz is shocked that they don't do more. They have added responsibilities, but there is not much else and it isn't quite as "fun" as she thought it would be.

This is one example that many couples have faced. The power of marriage preparation is incredibly important and that's what leads to the most successful marriages.