The Ideal Family

    We all want the ideal family, but how? There are thousands of ideas, opinions, and controversies on how to achieve a strong functioning family. While we are limited by not having governing laws in the social sciences, we have theories that can guide us in this very question. I'm going to tell you about the systems theory.

    Let's start with an analogy!

    Have you ever seen a home with no fences or no distinct boundaries? In this home, people come and go whether friends or family or even strangers. Everything is a very relaxed vibe whether you stay two minutes or two days. The door is left open with an unspoken "EVERYONE IS WELCOME" sign picketed right in front.

    Have you come across a home with heavy cinderblock walls surrounding the property? Here, no one enters into the driveway without entering a six-digit code. The front gate is made of steal and lifting as high into the sky as the walls connected to it. The front door has its own lock and cameras watching the porch. No one comes inside unless it is immediate family. On rare occasions, extended family and close friends are invited in with close supervision and limited time.

    Have you been to a home with a small picket fence bordering a pleasant house? It lines the boundaries of the property, but keeps out those who have not been invited in. There's a quaint gate at the start of the path with a simple latch that anyone can remove. The occupants come and go, sometimes bringing guests over.

    These are three very different homes, but they do a great job of depicting the family dynamic and the boundaries within. The first home would be known as an open boundary (-   -   -   -). In this dynamic, the boundary between members of the family is overly open. The second home is known as a closed boundary (----------). In this family dynamic, given members are closed off and distanced from one another. The third home is representative of a clear boundary (- - - - - - -). In this boundary is where you find the ideal way of being. The relationship is not closed off and walled off, but it is also not too vulnerable and lawless. It includes order and clear rules, yet a flexibility that keeps the dynamic fluid.

    The systems theory suggests that the family is a system. It is made up over rules and different family members with different roles. These members influence each other and create the dynamic with little interference with people from outside the family. So, which system is ideal?

    The parent figures should be the presiding leaders in the home. They should work together in unity to determine the best ways to run the household and take care of the members. This, however, does not mean they are cut off from the children. They do not create a closed boundary. Instead, they keep a clear boundary around themselves as not to over include the children, but not to distance them. They then provide an environment in which the children are surrounded by a secondary clear boundary that doesn't bubble them from outside influences, but also keeps them sufficiently protected.

    If done correctly, the family system will look a little like this:

-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -

-        -   -   -   -   -   -         -

-        -   Dad Mom  -        -

-        -   -   -   -   -   -         -

-      Child Child Child      -

-    -    -    -    -    -    -    -    -

    Now, this system is easier said than done, but when families strive for this organization, there will definitely be more peace in the home and more order. Children will be sufficiently independent, but not estranged from their parents.

    If your family doesn't look like this, don't be discouraged. My family doesn't perfectly emulate this system either. However, when we do our best to create this dynamic, we can find change. It will be good change.