Let's Communicate

 There are so many different ways to prepare for and practice a healthy marriage. However, none of these methods will be quite as effective if they are not coupled with communication. You and your spouse were raised very differently. You have different interests, hopes, passions, and ways of talking. Knowing this, you can't just magically "mesh" with your partner. Being able to communicate properly takes work and practice on both sides.

Communicating an idea is a process that takes a few steps. Here is a diagram of how communication may work for you or others:

When we want to communicate an idea, we will encode a message to someone in the way that we know best. After that message is put out there, the other person must decode it and figure out the meaning. It seems simple enough, but how often does the receiver misunderstand the sender? When communication is not done clearly and objectively, a lot can go wrong. Let's then take a look at some ways we can make sure that the receiver understands our message.

This is known as the E.A.R. which stands for empathy, assertiveness, and respect. If all parts are applied well, the message being sent is guaranteed to be clear and understandable for the other person.

1. Empathy

When implementing empathy, there are a few things to be done. The first is called the "disarming technique". In this technique, the person must look for truth and validity in what the other person is saying. It must be with an open heart and a willingness to accept that there could be even a grain of truth in what the other person is saying. Acknowledging the truths in a person's statement can take defensiveness out of the conversation. It makes the other person feel heard.

Another part of showing empathy is to recognize what the other person is saying. This can be done by paraphrasing what the other person has said in an effort to understand what they are saying.

Lastly, as you have tried to understand the other person's feelings, it becomes important to ask if you have gotten it right. This helps to clarify what the person is trying to express and aids you in understanding their perspective. It shows effort in trying to know how they feel.

2. Assertiveness

Being assertive includes using direct statements to express how you feel. This would be "I feel" statements in which you identify which emotions you are feeling and why. There is no beating around the bush and no accusations involved.

3. Respect

It becomes very important in communication to show the other person respect and validation for what they are going through and their positive efforts. When showing respect, one must acknowledge the efforts of the other person and the good that they have done.

All of these steps are great and extremely beneficial. However, they must be done with intent to solve the problem and secure the relationship. Many of these steps can be abused with malicious intent, so it is important for the couple to have each other's best interests in mind. This could include stepping away for a few hours to cool down if emotions are too strong to be discussed in a productive way. Communication is at its best when both people are willing to see eye to eye. This can be difficult if one or neither person is in the right mindset.

So how do we apply this in the heat of the moment? It can be very hard to stop yourself when you're ticked off to think "How can I better empathize with my spouse?"

The answer is practice! Practice makes perfect and this includes communication! You don't have to apply these steps when you are furious or stressed. You can practice them in any setting with any person. For example, if a friend gets a job, you can practice these steps in matching his/her excitement and showing care for him/her.

Communication can do wonders to strengthen any relationship.