An Effective Parent Addresses Needs Not Behaviors

A parent's responsibility is to attend to the needs of their child. In doing this, they must be willing to sacrifice their own desires in order to best help them in where they are at. How can we better understand and recognize the needs of children though?

Needs manifest through behaviors. When a child is lashing out, there is always a reason behind it caused by some unmet need that needs to be addressed. This is why simply trying to stomp out or bribe a behavior out of a child won't actually fix the problem. Below I will name the main needs that most children have that can result in undesirable behaviors. Then, I will include what approach parents can take to address the need.

1. Contact with others/belonging

This need asserts that children need to feel connected to others. This can mean receiving physical touch, conversation, inclusion, and so on. This is basically the feeling of belonging that comes when others give you attention,

When this need is not met, it can result in what is called "undue attention seeking". The behavior shows itself in children getting into trouble in order to receive attention, even if negative. However, no matter how much negative attention they get, it will never satisfy the need for attention because humans crave positive attention.

The approach to take to this misbehavior would be to make sure the child is receiving contact freely. Withholding love and ignoring the child will not make the need go away. If anything, it will make the child feel even more neglected. Another part to helping this need is to teach the child to contribute. Helping and working is a great way to get them involved and feel as though they are helping others.

2. Having power (over themselves)

This refers to the idea that like any human, children want control over their lives. They want to feel as though they can make their own choices and decisions by themselves.

When this need is not being met, children will have the urge to exercise their authority and control others. It will make them want to be in charge because they feel as though they don't have any power themselves. It also encourages children to be rebellious as if to resist their decisions being dictated.

A way to help this need is to allow children to make choices whether big or small. This will allow them to exercise their agency and learn natural consequences to their actions. Making choices plus experiencing consequences equals responsibility.

3. Protection

Protection refers to the need people have to feel safe and secure. It includes feeling like they react effectively to threatening situations.

When this need turns into a misbehavior, it generally shows as revenge. In this case, children feel as though getting "even" will help them feel more secure.

To combat this, parents can teach their children assertiveness which will allow them to stand up for themselves in a healthy way. Another part to teach them is forgiveness. This will help children to be able to move past frustrating situations without feeling like they have to come out on top.

4. Withdrawal

Withdrawal is the need to step back and take time away from difficult tasks. When things begin to strain, children need to be able to let go for a little bit and recharge.

When the need is not taken care of, it can cause children to start avoiding important responsibilities. There is a healthy amount of breaks, but if those are not given, the child will feel unmotivated to work.

Parents can help with this need by making sure their child knows how to take effective breaks. This means that the child can take a small break and then should get back to work after. This shows that we can have cool down time, but that it doesn't ignore the task at hand.

5. Challenge seeking

All people need challenges to help themselves grow. We enjoy overcoming difficult things and in fact often times seek out challenging activities.

When a child is not having this need met they will often get involved in more risky behavior as if to create a challenging experience even though it is unsafe.

Parents can help children with this need for challenges by helping them engage in activities that are effective skill builders. Doing this will create challenges that are not unsafe.

There are so many thoughts and opinions on how to raise children. There are books upon books on how to cut out "bad behavior". However, the best way to help a child become a healthy contributing adult is to address their needs first and foremost.